Why cleaning is dangerous…and I'm probably dying

I fell down again tonight, folks. Yeah, yeah. It happens a lot. This time I was trying to vacuum, and because I now have two fat kneecaps, a broken left wrist, and a bruised shoulder I don't think I should attempt this chore again. You know, for my own safety.

I look super hot tonight, as I've been unloading all kinds of crap from my car: faded yoga pants (not sweats, A.!), a black t-shirt, flip flops, and dust. Dust is my accessory tonight. Anyway, after I plugged in the vacuum cleaner I turned around, caught the cord in my flip flop (somehow, don't ask), and there I went. Slow motion. Pitched forward and just fell flat on my face, arms stretched out. For a brief second I stabilized myself on the nearby chair. Too bad it was the rolling chair at my desk. I pulled an armpit muscle. Add that to the list above.

I guess it's all my fault, really. I was cleaning up Spanish moss from all over the table where I'd been setting up my Easter/Spring decorations. [Note to self for next year: Spanish moss makes a bloody big mess. Always line containers with plastic.] You'd think I'm an amateur. I shouldn't have been doing this tonight because I have approximately one million things to do before I leave town tomorrow. But that's how I roll. When I'm a little overwhelmed I procrastinate. Instead of knocking out my to-do list, I start new (and messy) craft projects.

Okay, moving on. I've been losing my balance and/or falling a lot lately. Some might say this is genetic (hello, Dad), but after a little scientific research via Web MD, I think I could be dying. Here's what I've narrowed it down to: Vertigo. That's right. Laugh, go ahead. Know what causes vertigo? (I ruled out the silly causes, such as headaches or an ear infection.)

Inner ear disorders, such as benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV), Ménière's disease, vestibular neuritis, or labyrinthitis.

Decreased blood flow through the arteries that supply blood to the base of the brain (vertebrobasilar insufficiency).

Brain tumors and cancer that has traveled from another part of the body (metastatic).

See? You feel bad now, don't you?