Attention: Dudes, Stop Reading Now

I'm fixin' to write about my most recent purchase.

The NuBra.

Y'all, that dang invention is two self-adhesive bra cups that you stick on your boobies and then hook together in the middle.

I'm not kidding.

My sister has one, and I have a new shirt with the back cut out that suddenly called for one too. So off I went to Macy's. I had no idea all the non-conventional types of headlight-hiders that are available. And I didn't want one of those wear-it-22-ways bras that wraps around your waist and digs into your gut creating various mini-muffin tops around your entire body. So I settled on the NuBra in a C cup. This is important for later.

Okay, first of all, a man invented these, right? I mean, you stick these cups—which will hold their stickiness up to one hundred times—on your ta-tas. Which means when you're done wearing them, you have to peel them off. Of your ta-tas. Ow.

So, first of all, I had to read instructions. I had to read instructions in order to wear my new bra. But read them I did, and then I positioned my nekkid self in front of the mirror to evenly apply the cups. So far so good.

Except when I was done, I had spillover. And spillunder, if you know what I'm sayin'. I'd have been lucky to get one boob in both those cups together. I mean, seriously. I know what cup size I wear. But it was too late. Non-returnable.

So I got 'em on, put on my new shirt, and set off for work. And I felt weird all day. A little bouncy, if you will. I mean, the bra served its purpose just fine, it definitely wasn't coming off. But the jiggle was a little unsettling. I'm sure folks were wondering all day if I was doing a self-exam at my desk. Ahem. And at the lunch table.

This bra is a little high-maintenance too. It's pricey. You have to be really careful to avoid getting any lotion or perfume near your boobs before applying the bra or it'll grody up the adhesive. And after you wear it, you have to wash out the cups with soap and water and let them air-dry before storing them in the box. But let's get to the end of this story.

The peel-off.

It didn't hurt, exactly, although I'd recommend not watching what you're doing. I didn't care to see my skin pull the way it did. Especially the most sensitive parts, okay? Gross.

So, yeah. There you go. TMI? Maybe. But I feel closer to you all now. Right?