This is just stupid.

Now, come on.

Gisele Bündchen can not seriously think anyone believes her, right? Right? I know lots and lots of women who have given birth, and one man too.

Just want to make sure y'all are alert this morning.

Someone did tell me once that giving birth was like a "really bad bowel movement," which is disgusting and, I theorize, a dirty rotten lie. Fairly certain this woman was smoking the crack. Probably during labor.

Anyway, out of all these mothers not even one has ever told me that giving birth—without much medication—wasn't painful. That is asinine.

Also what these women did not tell me? That every painful contraction just made them focus on how much closer the baby was. Unless it counts that most of them just wanted that baby OUT! so it would quit murdering their insides.

I can't really offer an argument based on personal experience (except for that friggin' never-ending kidney stone debacle) given that the Almighty has so wisely left me childless thus far, but I feel pretty safe betting that my friends will all agree with me here.

So shutty, Gisele.

Note: Nobody better expect me to be up washing dishes and making pancakes the day after a human comes out of me. Nah-uh. And I'm willing to bet fried batter covered in sugary syrup has never crossed that woman's lips.

Reader challenge

Can you come up with a lamer or more obnoxious commercial than this one? I have my doubts. This one kinda tops "Head-On! Apply directly to the forehead!" (Repeat 12 times.)



It's so tough to see Karen like this.

*Apologies for getting a crappier version of Gloria Estefan's crappy song stuck in your heads. Wasn't very nice of me.

My good fortune

Excellent. Dream? I'll be least expecting you in the next five to seven days. Don't leave me hanging.

Indulge me

Like I said on Facebook, I live in a sea of crimson and houndstooth. (Which, btw, I'm taking back. No team can just call dibs on an entire pattern, okay? Let me wear my houndstooth in peace.)



Dudes. Sorry. But our coaches are cuter than your coaches.

Newsflash!

I was working through my morning coffee-and-news routine the other day: AJC, a couple of local newspapers, AL.com, various sports sites and blogs, the Today show. Fourteen cups of coffee. (Which, side note, have become fancier since I no longer have to get to work by, uh, 9ish. I have plenty of time to use my Aerolatte frother on my French vanilla cream. Hello, poor woman's cappuccino.)

(But nothing will ever taste as delicious in my coffee as one of Leah's homemade marshmallows.)

(No pressure, Leah. Just sayin'. I mean, she did give me the recipe.)

Anyway. I was very busy learning all kinds of newsy stuff that makes me a superstar at cocktail parties when, lo, a revelation delivered by US Weekly. (Whatever, okay? Sometimes my intellectual brain needs a break and I troll the gossip sites, usually after I've watched a thought-provoking episode or two of The Girls Next Door.) Right, so, the revelation.

Kate Gosselin and her new extensions, blah, blah, blah. Apparently she hates them. Because, according to USW: (Proof: A ponytail is often the look women who hate their hair resort to.)

Uh, yeah? Wonder how scientific that research was. I love a ponytail: high, low, side. Most gals I know do too. Is it convenient? Sure. Easy on a bad hair day? No doubt. Perfect for the gym? Of course. But I wouldn't say I wear a ponytail because I hate my hair. I mean, I've been known to rock a sleek ponytail at a dressy event. No one seemed horrified.

Ladies?

When I find that special someone

I'm watching another Hilary Duff movie (no judging, I come here for acceptance), and I just heard the line of the century.

"Love is friendship on fire."

Oh hells yes.

I can't wait to use this. I hope I can keep a straight face when I gaze deep into some dude's eyes and free those five special words from my lips.

Adult video

Okay, gutter minds, not that kind of adult video. But unless you're ready to explain this to small children, watch during nap time. I have no idea who sent this to me, but I found it while cleaning out old files on my laptop. I haven't stopped laughing since Monday.



*I love the end when the officer apologizes. Again.

Back with a vengeance

That's right. Nothing and then—bam!—two posts in one day.

My friend posted this on his FB page, and I think it's pretty hilarious. (I know non-Georgia readers might not appreciate it quite as much as the natives will.)

Pardon the salty language in a few spots. It's still funny.



*I'm a big fan of the UGA presence in this video, and I know my sister will enjoy the nod to Wesleyan around 4:18 or so.

I know, I know

I am a crappy blogger.

The fact is, there isn't much blog-worthy action to report on when you loaf around by yourself most of the day.

Not having a job—while once kinda awesome—is now kinda boring since football season has ended, the holidays have come and gone, and I have no more road trips on the books.

Boo. I love road trips.

Boo. Road trips cost money.

(I'd rather not eat than not go on road trips.)

Which brings me to: my new weight-loss plan. It's called the Unemployment Diet. Turns out, when you sleep from 2 a.m. to 10 a.m. you aren't really hungry for breakfast. And when you eat lunch around 2 or 3 p.m., dinner isn't usually much more than a snack. This really cuts down on the monthly Publix bill too. (Which then supplies money for road trips.)

Hooray for silver linings!

Talk soon, peeps.

Everybody who's anybody knows Leah

Leah stopped by today so we could exchange Christmas presents. She embroidered one of my favorite phrases on a T-shirt. Everyone who knows me well has heard me use it. Often. I have it on a sticker on my bulletin board:



And now I have it on my apparel. Behold:



Even her gift tag was hilarious. I need these:



And if you don't know Leah, well, then, too bad for you. Because included with my T-shirt were fudge and homemade sea salt caramels. Mmmm.



These are definitely going to cause a problem at my house.

Thanks, Leah!!

Is this tacky?

Because I want one. In the worst kind of way.

Hold on to your pants—it's about to get white trashier.

I think this would look AWESOME on the front of my car! Yes? YES!

Sadly, this festive work of art would set me back $95, and I have better things to do with that kind of money.

(Like buy enough Little Debbie Chocolate Christmas Tree Cakes to carry me through till holiday season 2010.)

(Or I could get my oil changed and buy new wiper blades.)

Oh, yes. 'Tis the season!

I'm having a very merry 80s night.

I just downloaded this.

I'm a little embarrassed for myself.



Oh, wait. No I'm not. I just wish I had one of those little plastic mics like the toddlers have because there is a straight-up concert going on up in my house.

All I want for Christmas…

…is this ring. (It's my birthstone! Totally practical.)


I don't mind if a few of you want to go in together for a group gift.

Merry Christmas!

Okay, what?

Nah-uh. Really? Does PETA know the luxuries that Uga is afforded? Bite me, PETA. You are all so dang ridiculous. Besides. We already have a person dressed up as a mascot. That'd be Hairy Dawg.

Giveaway at Lauren Nicole!

Enter through the blog to win this super-cute Fine Silver Preppy Whale Key Chain. Hurry, contest ends at midnight November 19!

What's in a name?

I'm sitting here on my sofa, drinking coffee and eating breakfast (leftover pan of cappuccino-frosted brownies), watching Gilmore Girls, and scrolling through my music on iTunes. And you know what? Artistic people are pretty freaking weird.

I found some WAY strange band names in my library. How do you think bands get their names? I have a few ideas, most of which involve late nights and illegal activities. How else can you explain these?

1. Death Cab for Cutie
2. Big Head Todd & The Monsters
3. Dashboard Confessional
4. Barenaked Ladies (no lady in the bunch)
5. Dexy's Midnight Runners
6. Garbage
7. Hootie and The Blowfish
8. The Killers
9. The Push Stars
10. Sha-Na-Na (courtesy of the Grease soundtrack)
11. The Spill Canvas
12. The Velvet Underground
13. The Weepies
14. Weezer
15. The 5th Dimension (who sings one of my very, very favorite songs ever thank you amen)
16. Band of Horses

I, of course, got curious about what else is out there (read: nosy), so I went on over to the Google and found The Canonical List of Weird Band Names. You can find it at Bright Lights Film if you want, but the tagline is "the peculiar & the profane," and trust me, some of them were profane. I'm not going to link to it, just hit up the trusty Google if you're interested.

Thanksgiving

No trash talk. But I am thankful for a favorable outcome of Saturday's game. And I would very respectfully like to say "GO DAWGS!"


Most recent game photos start with #34.

Give me a break. It's been a sad little season.

Brad Pitt makes me wanna puke

That's pretty much all I have to say.

Sorry I've been MIA

I should have plenty of time to blog now that I am unemployed. Ha.

I've started a new blog as an outlet for my design hobby and ridiculous love affair with beautiful images of home decor. Check it out here.

And lest you think crazy stuff is no longer happening to me, I'll leave you with this quick story.

I went to Publix last night to pick up a few things for Saturday's tailgate. I needed quite a few spices for the rib rub, and I was delighted (that's right, delighted) to see that a particular brand was buy one, get one free. I couldn't find this brand on the spice aisle, but after double-checking the flier I saw the spices were located in the produce department.

I pushed my buggy on over where I spent a good 10 minutes circling around, getting more and more frustrated that I couldn't find what I needed. I was just about to ask someone why the spices were not, in fact, located in the produce department when I realized that I was fruitlessly searching in the freaking meat department.

(I did finally find a nice big basket o' spices to search through, right between the limes and clementines. In the produce department.)

Please stop saying…

"That's a whole different ball of wax."

It makes me think of disgusting ear wax. Right? Right. And what does that even mean? See, it's stupid.

Don't say it anymore.

I tried to find a photo for this post on Google Images. Boy was that a mistake.